If you’ve ever walked into a speed dating event or a singles hiking club hoping for a balanced crowd, you might have been sorely disappointed. Across the country, a common refrain is echoing through these venues: “So many women, so few men.”

As someone who has actively participated in speed dating and joined numerous social clubs—from snow sports and hiking to surfing and sailing—I can confirm the observation. While I’ve found immense joy in the activities, the camaraderie, and the health benefits, the glaring gender imbalance is unavoidable. Nature, good health, and friends have been blessings, but the question remains: where are all the single men?

This isn’t just a personal anecdote; it’s a growing trend that leaves many women wondering where to meet partners and many men on online forums asking how to connect “organically.” The answer seems to be right there in the hobby-based social clubs, yet their attendance rolls tell a different story.

So, what’s driving the great male disappearance act? We explored the possibilities.

The Pressure Cooker: Why Men Shun Speed Dating

The very structure of speed dating seems to work against male participation. For many men, the event sounds less like an opportunity and more like a high-pressure audition.

“The idea sounds like a terrible experience,” shared one man who preferred to remain anonymous. “Regardless of the promised gender balance, which rarely seems to be 50/50, it sounds way more intense than organizers claim. For men, it feels like a lot of competitive, performative, and shallow interaction for what is often no outcome—and you’re paying for the privilege.”

There’s a palpable sense that men who feel they “need” speed dating aren’t actually welcome there. Furthermore, the financial and emotional cost of potential rejection on an “assembly line scale” is a significant deterrent.

A man who used to be single shared, “A female friend once inquired why I never went to those events. I replied that I didn’t want to spend money just to face rejection. She simply shrugged and remarked, ‘Well, rejection is just a part of dating.’”

He countered, “While that’s true in a general sense, it’s easy to be blasé about rejection when you’re seldom on the sharp end of it. When rejections pile up, it can genuinely hurt your self-esteem.” He noted the irony that the same friend admitted she would never approach a man for fear of the humiliation of a “no.”

In the age of apps, many men see these events as a last resort, preferring to meet someone in a more authentic setting, like an art class, where connections can form naturally.

The Hobby Divide: When “Getting Out” Isn’t Enough

Many advise men to simply “get a hobby” to meet people. But the reality is more nuanced. Some hobbies, while social, may not facilitate mingling with single women.

“I think a lot of guys get into hobbies that get them out of the house, but not necessarily around single women,” noted a participant from Colorado Springs. “We do things and meet up socially, but in a small town, options are limited. Virtual games and online platforms have also captured a significant amount of male attention and free time.”

For men over 40, the issue is compounded. Between career demands and other responsibilities, there’s little time left to actively search for a partner. And when they do join groups, the dynamic can flip. Activity-based clubs, especially for those over 40, often see a higher ratio of women, while generic “singles mixer” events become “sausage fests.”

Intentionality and the “Last Resort” Stigma

Another theory suggests a difference in intentionality. Some women, attendees report, may go to these events with friends as a fun evening out rather than with a serious goal of finding a partner.

“I know quite a few women who go despite knowing they are leaving the area soon or being openly hostile to the idea of a relationship,” one man observed. “It’s a chance to have a laugh with friends, but they’d never say ‘yes’ to any of the guys there.”

There’s also a perception that the people willing to pay for structured dating “programs” represent a certain type—a stereotype that may not always hold up but can deter participation. One attendee recalled his experience, noting a perceived lack of physical diversity and effort among participants, though he conceded that in hindsight, you always get a diverse group of attendees from different earning levels and backgrounds.

A New Standard: Choosing Solitude Over Settling

Contrary to the belief that men are desperate to escape loneliness, a growing number are choosing to be alone rather than settle. Many modern men, like their female counterparts, are seeking equal partnerships.

“Many of my friends and I would rather be alone than settle for anything less than a true partnership,” one man stated. “We’ve refused relationships in the past because they were with incompatible people. Nothing is better than something that’s clearly not a good fit.”

This sentiment is bolstered by the fact that women often have stronger platonic support networks, providing emotional intimacy and touch. Therefore, a relationship must offer something more enticing than solitude and freedom to be worthwhile.

The Bottom Line: Speculation vs. Experience

Other factors are also at play. Some men may simply be exhausted from work and prefer rest over uncomfortable socializing. Others may still seek significantly younger partners, bypassing events for their own age demographic. And, of course, location is key—what’s true in one city may not be in another.

Ultimately, many of these points are speculative. The demographics of dating are shifting, and traditional meeting grounds are evolving. The most reliable teacher is personal experience. So, for the men wondering where to meet women “in the wild,” the path is still there—it’s in the hiking clubs, the paddleboarding groups, and the art classes. The first step is showing up, not with the sole intention of finding a partner, but with the goal of enjoying the activity. The connection, should it happen, will be all the more authentic for it.

So, the article concludes that men are avoiding these events because they’d rather be alone than settle, and they find the process too high-pressure. Ladies, does this match your experience? And gentlemen, is this the truth—or are we missing the real reason?